Day 37

Monday, November 17th, 2025 @ 9:40pm

Dear J,

I miss you something vicious today. It has not been a great day. I’ve been sad and I’ve been aching for you.

I don’t help myself. I know that. Falling asleep with your handsome face up on my phone screen. Re-reading last messages. Searching your name. These activities offer me a brief respite, but I know they only deepen the ache.

I should try to eliminate some of these behaviours. I should.

Journaling to you is something that I am not, and may never be, ready to give up. I allow myself this.

But maybe if I could just eliminate a couple of those other behaviours, like Googling your name. These are more ‘compulsive’ type of behaviours in my mind, whereas journaling to you and falling asleep to your smile feel calming to me—not compulsive.

Do they perhaps fuel the more compulsive and addictive attachment behaviours?

Undeniably.

But I do believe that I can overcome the compulsive behaviours without sacrificing those couple of habits that genuinely do make me feel closer and more connected to you. They are not so compulsive in nature.

So, that’s that. I’ll let you know how I succeed on this endeavour.

Now, since it has been a rougher day, I’m going to tell you things that I am grateful for.

1. The general sense of safety I feel, without really questioning it, because I live in a safer country than most, and have never had to face the horrible atrocities of war, major natural disasters, bombings, and other catastrophic tragedies. Millions are not as fortunate. Billions.

2. I got to start using this new notebook, which is one I’ve been looking forward to writing to you in. The cover is a soft faux leather, and the paper is quite nice too. My pen glides so satisfyingly, so smoothly along the page.

3. I got a haircut today, just a trim and some minor styling. The same I always do. It’s always a refreshing feeling.

4. I’ve been avoiding fast food and takeout coffees successfully as I try to save money back up post-Europe travels.

5. I’ve been reading more again. I’d been in a reading slump for months.

Okay, there. See? Gratitude. And, as always, I have eternal gratitude for my family, friends, and beloved pets. And it goes without saying, I am always grateful for you, J. Even on the hard days; the days like today. The days when doubt and despair creep in, threatening to overwhelm me.

I won’t let it happen this time. I am going to keep moving forward. I can do this. I will do this.

For us, love. I’ll do it for us.

For now, I think I’m going to do my piano practice. And then I may read.

I love you and I hope you have a wonderful start to your week. Thinking of you and wishing you well always.

- P